sorry meagan your breakdown will have to wait

why did you leave me? what am i doing here? did you really see me graduate? do you watch me struggle and wish you were here? i do. i wish you were here. i wish you were here. i wish you were here for me. i wish you were here to make things easier. i wish you were here so you could tell me what to do. i wish you here to help. i wish you were here to see me. i wish you were here to see cynnamon, kevin, morgan, mom, haroldeen, rita, steven, and aunt lousie. we had a family reunion- i wish you were there. i wish you didnt leave. i wish you'd come back for me. i don't want to be here anymore. i dont want to live here anymore. its too hard. everyone is mean and they dont understand me. to be honest i wish you were here so could have a friend. i wish you were here so i could talk to you. i dont know whats going on anymore. i dont know where my life is going. im supposed to apply to colleges this month. i dont know what to do. im honestly scared about starting college. i don't feel ready. i feel ready to get out but not ready to begin. i dont feel like im smart enough to go on.i dont feel like there's space in my brain and heart to go on. its all just so much. i dont even know what i want to do with my life. i dont even know if i want to life. i cant handle it. i cant handle everything changing. my life is so hard to me. waking up is exhausting, eating is a burden, school is overwhelming, work is crucifying. im just so tired of living. my dad and i are arguing because i need him but we cant "effectively communicate." I cant talk to him about anything because every time we talk im being disrespectful and making false assumption. he says he cant take my disrespect. disrespect to my father is breathing in the same room as him. his disrespect is saying i dont know. his disrespect is saying "dad i cant take this". i say thank you for your time he says dont patronize me. i says "dad i need help" he says for what. i just want to yell i dont want to live anymore. my mom is so off with out you. she needs you. she needed you. were all in bad boats. she doesn want to be married to this fool anymore but she cant move. i saw shayla my old nieghbor. she works for the same company as me. i remember you both being at my birthday parties. gawd i feel like for the amount of tears pouring out of my eyes i should have a real crisis. some kind of devastating event. maybe it is maybe this is mourning. maybe this is loss i feel for you. i wish you were here. i just want to stop being depressed. i just want my life to be easy. i just want to be smart enough to do my math hw. i just want to work in an accepting enviornment. i just want to come home and be abe to do my hw. i want to be able to afford lunch at school. i want to be able to drive w/o getting a ticket. i want to see my brother be succesful. i want to be able to call you. i want to feel appreciated. i want to be able to get my h.w done my 10 and i want to wake up at 9. i want to be able to excercise. i want to make it. i want the 80s to come back. i dont want everyone to rely on technology. at the same time i want my laptop to work. i want cynnnamon to comeback. i want to be be able to talk to my parents. i want my mom to turn it down- she doesnt need to be so loud. i just want to breathe. tell me how... tell me how to get through this. everyday i need 35 hours to get things done and yet there's only 24. i dont think i meant for this place. everyone is so mean. people are crazy. when did everything get so complicated. why cant everyone be generous and understanding. why was life easier when i was 12? why is ignorance bliss? why must the show go on? why do i have to always smile when there are tears coming out of my heart? why did you leave me? when are you coming back? i need you here. i wish you were here.
meagan
raggity ann and andy