whaaaat just happened?? wait did he just txt me? ugh i have to throw up. hey interent blog site. ok good. sometime i think im insane. agh he makes me into a sick person.
what id be asking a real person?
WHAT DO I DO. i almost have never felt so torn. i hope im drunk which is a real thought that i think is pathetic that id even wish to use that as an excuse. what is he doing to me? is ok for me to ask him?
truth is he text me and i anwsered within minutes.
ugh immediately i hated that i even anwsered him. i tried to trick myself into believing... well i had to check who the fuck that even was. D..o......n't even.... thi... Who the f... fuck. i actually thought about "everytime i try to grasp for air i just know this despair is never over over"
ook back to the story.
i actually was like uuuh then it was him.. whhat?
bk so i answered him "?" what? what is it? was that a mistake. but it didnt mater. i texted him again. -whats up hott stuff? better yet. talk to me. ah does this mean i really did love him?
best friend? do i need rec onfirmation ugh meagan go to sleep and ignore everything. everything. gawd. he works me up into naseousness.
hhmm. he text me back "where are you?"
what does he want cause for some reason i think we have different ideas. did hr text me because he was ddrunk? like what? ugh im 15 minutes away. like DOESNT HE KNOW THAT.
-breathe- but i was was on the fwy finishing my day. not thinking about him idk if i just want to remember my emotions, talk, go to sleep, or just act like this never happened but ill keep writing.
wherever i was i wasn't thinking about him and now i am. "tomorrow night?" what the fuck does that mean. i say... "what if i just want to fall asleep with ou and watch the god father?"
"i know but my mom is here".... wow are we talking?
damn lol i called him drandma like a drunksie but idk he text me back.
good night beautiful.
be sad cause its over or smile because it happened?
i dont know. if it did happen, i know that i cross his mind. just like he crossed mine.
DON'T GO BACK TO HIM MEAGAN. is waht Brenda knows... said*!!! but she doesn't know what its like. she found her forever. and i feel like he's mine. but i deserve so much more.
what is the attention? the selfishness?? the reassurance that im still here when HE wants. idk ahhgh this hurts. i dont know what to do. i feel like i cant find the anwsers anywhere. i feel like my heart is telling me don't give up but i logically need to seperate myself from him. or keep getting hurt. how can i make him love me?? i cant and its even disgusting to even THNK about that. but i just cant stop. its the way i feel next to him. i want to cry. stop
stop
stop.
alright alright slow down.
either way i know he can't make me happy. i have to make and do what makes me happy.
hell ya blogger saved my draft. thanks boo ;)
"i dont even know if you deserve me, but in the morning sky who wants to be alone?"
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
break break down
so fell in love.
well i don't know if i was "in love" since it was mostly me. As a disclaimer i was fairly warned to stay away and many other girls had frequented that territory and all were left in the dust. I fell for him the second i got here. I knew it would happen like i know other things are going to happen. I said jeez i hope i dont move to jersey and fall in love or something. Me fall in love? ya right- those days are over. (god i hope in 2 years im not thinking of him on a day like this...unless things have changed) And then i did. He kissed me and made me smile and wasn't afraid to get into me. I loved him and then i pushed him away by being crazy and something i wish i could have taken back but whether the outcome would have been different i doubt it. Us breaking up was inevitable which ~there in lies the problem. I dont truly believe we were ever meant to last but my heart tells me that love isn't easy and whether he really is the one i don't know but when is enough enough when do i not fight or hold on? like someone who has really had their heart broken before should tell me. He said things to me like "i like you soooo much" and "wait for me." + more things " if things were this way, it'd be easier" " i want to spend more time with you" and
of course the ultimate. i said tell me something i was to hear he looked me in the eyes and said "i want to go on vacation with you" whether he was drunk or sober talking it didn't matter i swallowed every sip of his lies. or were they lies? i feel like ill never know and maybe thats what keeps me hanging on to him. FUCK. i hate this i keep saying the feeling that i cant getting over him. the feeling that i know we had nothing and hes an asshole idiot who i can easily pass over has my heart for this short time being and I CANT LET GO. and all i want to do is move on. but i love him. WHY? the truth is. i loved fitting perfectly in his arms at 1 am. And i loved falling asleep with him watching The Godfather and The patriot. I loved the way his slightly grown in hair felt as i ran my fingers across his chest. I miss his slightly odorless body and his deep brown eyes. Its like he is standing right in front of me. i can almost feel his arms around my shoulders. SFBS. I loved believing that we'd be together although i knew that it was incredibly unlikely to happen.
but the reality is. i never knew anything. I never knew what he was doing outside of work. I didn't know if he REALLY liked me cause hardly showed it. I didn't know if he wanted to see other people because he didn't tell me. I didn't know if we were just sleeping together because that didn't happen as much as it could have either. I don't know if he's already over it or if he hates getting my texts that tell him he's still on my mind.
part of me doesn't care if he knows how much he means to me because it makes me feel better that he knows how i feel. part of me doesnt want him to know i fell for his tricks like puppet. but i know that this isn't going to stop me or my dreams and its probably better this way, me not being with him but my fuck this hurts and i would have like to have done both. I know i deserve better. I know that people going through years of marraige and then one day wake up and find that the person they love deosn't love them anymore and someone is left having to start over.
its comforting to know that im not the only one that has felt this way. I just want in to stop or i want him to change his mind.
BUT then what? what if someone really great is going to come around later. what if he wasn't it and its just the devil trying to break me. well im sure thats it but still dammit this sucks. all i want to do is be with im. when and where it doesn't matter. i was so into i would have done anything for him- does he know that and why didn't that matter. why couldnt he have lied to me just a little bit longer. Does he love someone else? ugh. I can't take it. Even seeing him pay attention to somone else makes me sick. I was actually overwhelmed when him and randomB* were playing around. This is sick and i feel disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.
i want him away away away. well Vegas is coming shortly and the ultimate party trip with my friends and im hoping that will make a difference and within a month he won't even be on my mind. But i know that every now and then... he'll cross it but i pray i have the stregnth to let him do just that... cross and keep going.
well i don't know if i was "in love" since it was mostly me. As a disclaimer i was fairly warned to stay away and many other girls had frequented that territory and all were left in the dust. I fell for him the second i got here. I knew it would happen like i know other things are going to happen. I said jeez i hope i dont move to jersey and fall in love or something. Me fall in love? ya right- those days are over. (god i hope in 2 years im not thinking of him on a day like this...unless things have changed) And then i did. He kissed me and made me smile and wasn't afraid to get into me. I loved him and then i pushed him away by being crazy and something i wish i could have taken back but whether the outcome would have been different i doubt it. Us breaking up was inevitable which ~there in lies the problem. I dont truly believe we were ever meant to last but my heart tells me that love isn't easy and whether he really is the one i don't know but when is enough enough when do i not fight or hold on? like someone who has really had their heart broken before should tell me. He said things to me like "i like you soooo much" and "wait for me." + more things " if things were this way, it'd be easier" " i want to spend more time with you" and
of course the ultimate. i said tell me something i was to hear he looked me in the eyes and said "i want to go on vacation with you" whether he was drunk or sober talking it didn't matter i swallowed every sip of his lies. or were they lies? i feel like ill never know and maybe thats what keeps me hanging on to him. FUCK. i hate this i keep saying the feeling that i cant getting over him. the feeling that i know we had nothing and hes an asshole idiot who i can easily pass over has my heart for this short time being and I CANT LET GO. and all i want to do is move on. but i love him. WHY? the truth is. i loved fitting perfectly in his arms at 1 am. And i loved falling asleep with him watching The Godfather and The patriot. I loved the way his slightly grown in hair felt as i ran my fingers across his chest. I miss his slightly odorless body and his deep brown eyes. Its like he is standing right in front of me. i can almost feel his arms around my shoulders. SFBS. I loved believing that we'd be together although i knew that it was incredibly unlikely to happen.
but the reality is. i never knew anything. I never knew what he was doing outside of work. I didn't know if he REALLY liked me cause hardly showed it. I didn't know if he wanted to see other people because he didn't tell me. I didn't know if we were just sleeping together because that didn't happen as much as it could have either. I don't know if he's already over it or if he hates getting my texts that tell him he's still on my mind.
part of me doesn't care if he knows how much he means to me because it makes me feel better that he knows how i feel. part of me doesnt want him to know i fell for his tricks like puppet. but i know that this isn't going to stop me or my dreams and its probably better this way, me not being with him but my fuck this hurts and i would have like to have done both. I know i deserve better. I know that people going through years of marraige and then one day wake up and find that the person they love deosn't love them anymore and someone is left having to start over.
its comforting to know that im not the only one that has felt this way. I just want in to stop or i want him to change his mind.
BUT then what? what if someone really great is going to come around later. what if he wasn't it and its just the devil trying to break me. well im sure thats it but still dammit this sucks. all i want to do is be with im. when and where it doesn't matter. i was so into i would have done anything for him- does he know that and why didn't that matter. why couldnt he have lied to me just a little bit longer. Does he love someone else? ugh. I can't take it. Even seeing him pay attention to somone else makes me sick. I was actually overwhelmed when him and randomB* were playing around. This is sick and i feel disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.
i want him away away away. well Vegas is coming shortly and the ultimate party trip with my friends and im hoping that will make a difference and within a month he won't even be on my mind. But i know that every now and then... he'll cross it but i pray i have the stregnth to let him do just that... cross and keep going.
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