Sometimes i feel like god can hear me.

i ask for a miracle and i get one in the least expecting way and the most unexpected time. I'm constantly praying for help when help is behind me. Its not that i can't its that i want to give up and everything is telling me not to. I want to quit or think i've reached the edge of the cliff, and right before i'm about to jump someone grabs my hand. it's like my angel is always watching. I make sacrifices in order to vindicate my weakness. I don't understand but i do understand. It so much pressure to continue when the only thing that can possible come in the way of my success is me.
i feel like everything is so hard. it's so painful to do simple things but it's just that giving up is so much easier. why? why am i so hard on myself, why can't i just do it. Its not hard, everyone does it. People are in law school. I studying fucking writing and communications. Why am i so alone? and then im not. And just when i think i'm as alone as 23 yr girl from CA in the middle of north jersey in a silent college library, someone walks up to me and says "it's not the bad, i can help you" and they don't even know who I am, or what the problem is. I have every answer to the test yet im determined to fail because i can't hold a pencil. These are all just excuses of a pathetic reality.
then as soon as i get some hope of clarity so asshole comes and sits next to me and starts a fucking group project instead of getting a freaking study room.

##storyofmylife

fuck pms

sometimes its hard to draw the line between pms and bipolar disorder. then its more confsuing whydoes my moo drop because i can't watch tv or because i can't answer one fcking question on a freaking class exercise like who gives a fuck what am i 12? things that would normally be easy to me are so difficult. I become so angry because some says i have fun talking to you, after we just were arguing. like wtf does that mean? i seriously think everyone around has super big fucking problems and then i turn the gun on my ownself and think i have the biggest fuckign problem. first i want a boyfriend but there are no boys that satisfy me. like theyre fuckign stupidand have no indviduality. i dont want to talk to my best friends because i feel angry at them too and im not. i dont know why i feel this way. its like im in a long hallway and never reach an exit. there are open doors with necesities for me to keep going on this endless journey i cant even recall the beginning. maybe life is moving too fast. or maybe im not going anywhere. the hallway is just some vicious circle with lit rooms and not lit rooms. all i want to do is listen to mellowdramatic music and watch tv. i dont even want to be in my bed. id rather be on the couch. up and down up and down.over here over there. and lately i've been feeling it become more frequent. im so unsatissfied with myself and i've actually little reason to be. i guess. i need notebooks and to read my hw but thats not too dissatisfying. it wasnt even a really bad day. im just so tired of talking and participating in societal charades. conventional small talk, smiles to avoid rudeness, daily errans to the same instituitons making money to spend money, spending my money to buy temporary happiness, grown men acting lke oblivious children, feeding into my non addictive cravings for 15 minute altered state. meaningless things. they say you cant run from your problems, or yourself- its true. So where do you go for a change. what's next? im just so tired of it all. would i be happy if she was still here? god i miss you. good night china bear.