break break down

so fell in love.
well i don't know if i was "in love" since it was mostly me. As a disclaimer i was fairly warned to stay away and many other girls had frequented that territory and all were left in the dust. I fell for him the second i got here. I knew it would happen like i know other things are going to happen. I said jeez i hope i dont move to jersey and fall in love or something. Me fall in love? ya right- those days are over. (god i hope in 2 years im not thinking of him on a day like this...unless things have changed) And then i did. He kissed me and made me smile and wasn't afraid to get into me. I loved him and then i pushed him away by being crazy and something i wish i could have taken back but whether the outcome would have been different i doubt it. Us breaking up was inevitable which ~there in lies the problem. I dont truly believe we were ever meant to last but my heart tells me that love isn't easy and whether he really is the one i don't know but when is enough enough when do i not fight or hold on? like someone who has really had their heart broken before should tell me. He said things to me like "i like you soooo much" and "wait for me." + more things " if things were this way, it'd be easier" " i want to spend more time with you" and

of course the ultimate. i said tell me something i was to hear he looked me in the eyes and said "i want to go on vacation with you" whether he was drunk or sober talking it didn't matter i swallowed every sip of his lies. or were they lies? i feel like ill never know and maybe thats what keeps me hanging on to him. FUCK. i hate this i keep saying the feeling that i cant getting over him. the feeling that i know we had nothing and hes an asshole idiot who i can easily pass over has my heart for this short time being and I CANT LET GO. and all i want to do is move on. but i love him. WHY? the truth is. i loved fitting perfectly in his arms at 1 am. And i loved falling asleep with him watching The Godfather and The patriot. I loved the way his slightly grown in hair felt as i ran my fingers across his chest. I miss his slightly odorless body and his deep brown eyes. Its like he is standing right in front of me. i can almost feel his arms around my shoulders. SFBS. I loved believing that we'd be together although i knew that it was incredibly unlikely to happen.

but the reality is. i never knew anything. I never knew what he was doing outside of work. I didn't know if he REALLY liked me cause hardly showed it. I didn't know if he wanted to see other people because he didn't tell me. I didn't know if we were just sleeping together because that didn't happen as much as it could have either. I don't know if he's already over it or if he hates getting my texts that tell him he's still on my mind.

part of me doesn't care if he knows how much he means to me because it makes me feel better that he knows how i feel. part of me doesnt want him to know i fell for his tricks like puppet. but i know that this isn't going to stop me or my dreams and its probably better this way, me not being with him but my fuck this hurts and i would have like to have done both. I know i deserve better. I know that people going through years of marraige and then one day wake up and find that the person they love deosn't love them anymore and someone is left having to start over.
its comforting to know that im not the only one that has felt this way. I just want in to stop or i want him to change his mind.

BUT then what? what if someone really great is going to come around later. what if he wasn't it and its just the devil trying to break me. well im sure thats it but still dammit this sucks. all i want to do is be with im. when and where it doesn't matter. i was so into i would have done anything for him- does he know that and why didn't that matter. why couldnt he have lied to me just a little bit longer. Does he love someone else? ugh. I can't take it. Even seeing him pay attention to somone else makes me sick. I was actually overwhelmed when him and randomB* were playing around. This is sick and i feel disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.

i want him away away away. well Vegas is coming shortly and the ultimate party trip with my friends and im hoping that will make a difference and within a month he won't even be on my mind. But i know that every now and then... he'll cross it but i pray i have the stregnth to let him do just that... cross and keep going.